07/01/2017

Let's Talk About My Weird Eating Problem


Ever since I was a child I have always had a big appetite. Sometimes it goes up down depending on whether I'm sick, on my period or trying to eat better. I have never been afraid to talk about things on my blog and if you are a long term reader then you will know that I have spoken openly about my anxiety & being adopted. 

However, writing this blog post scares me a little. I feel like this is something I would get judged on more. Eating is one of the most natural things in the world yet I struggle with it a lot. I know a lot of people have it worse off which makes talking about this subject in the right way important to me.

I do not suffer with any eating disorders and I would not consider mine one. I would however consider it a big problem as it effects me a lot sometimes.  I find it hard to describe as I'm not quite sure what it is anyways. So let's start with the basic description.

I don't like eating in front of new people. It doesn't matter what age or gender you are if you are new to me the chances of me eating in front of you are 0. I'd rather go hungry than spend ages eating because each mouthful I take I become very self-conscious that you are watching me. 

Even when I'm getting to know someone I won't eat anything "messy" i.e pasta, soup or ribs. When I do eat "messy" foods around people I'm comfortable with I'm constantly wiping my mouth to make sure I don't have anything around it. Those are just two of the issues that I face the main one is when it comes to restaurants.

Any fast-food restaurants like McDonalds etc I can eat quite comfortably in. When it comes to restaurants that you sit down to have a full-on meal at that's where I sometimes struggle. It happens every so often and it all comes down to how my day went, how anxious I am and what the restaurant is like.

If my day was fine then the chances of me having a "eating attack" are quite low. However, if my anxiety is high that day then I could have one. What the restaurant is like plays a huge part in this. If the restaurant is light and airy and you're not sat on the lap of the person next to you (not literally) then I'll feel a lot more comfortable. But if the restaurant is small, compact and dark that's when I start to feel not myself. 

When I'm eating I start to sometimes become very self-conscious of the way that I eat. I tend to look around to see if people are watching me. This doesn't help at all as it only increases my food anxiety. I've never actually been sick but sometimes I feel like I am going to. 

I usually eat my food really slowly and often don't eat it all. Most of the time when I'm having these "food attacks" I have to go either outside in the fresh air or to the bathroom just to calm down. When I have had one of these "food attacks" when I have finished my food or eaten what I can I find it uncomfortable waiting for whoever I'm with to finish. So I often wait outside or go home if I'm eating locally. 

Most of my family and friends know about this and I hardly have "food attacks" with them but when I do they know I just have to do what I need to do. I'm 100% this is related to my anxiety although I'm not sure how I developed it in the first place. I can't remember a significant memory in my childhood where food was a big issue. 

I'm hoping to work on this in 2017 as I can't still suffer with this when I'm 30 that will be ridiculous. I may see a therapist again as I did before but as it was mainly for my anxiety attacks we didn't touch upon my food issues that much. 

I will keep you updated and if any of you suffer with this please let me know as I don't know anyone who does. Hopefully if you do suffer with this and haven't realised it then this blog post will help you out.
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2 comments

  1. This is a part of how my anxiety affects my everyday life too! So brave of you to talk about it 💖

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  2. Hey, so I have suffered with the same thing my whole life. With mine though there are other factors that make it worse but multiple times I have thrown up whilst chewing something because I was so scared to swallow it. I had to get help through therapy because I would have the most intense panic attacks after eating. I 100% recommend getting therapy for it. although I still get anxious, I'm learning how to control my panic attacks. It's not something you will ever get over but it helps learning to manage it. If ever you want to talk about it who understands, just let me know. I didn't have anyone that could relate to me as everyone thought I was being ridiculous. Amalia x

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